Buddha Jokes, Round One

As I said, just some fun for the rest of the week. Next week, we’ll get into some more of the serious stuff. Buddhists know not to take life too seriously, and to realize the importance of a good laugh.

I don’t know if these are going to give you a good laugh, but they’re guaranteed for a groan.

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Q. What does Buddha say when he orders a hot dog?
A. “One with everything.”

Q. What did the Buddha say when the hot dog vendor asked him if he had change?
A. “Change must come from within.”

Q. Why can’t the Buddha vacuum under the sofa?
A. Because he has no attachments.

A monk was driving in India when suddenly a dog crosses the road. The car hit and killed the dog. The monk looked around and seeing a temple, went to knock on the door. A monk opened the door. The first monk said: “I’m terribly sorry, but my karma ran over your dogma.”

OK, I hope those weren’t too painful. Since tomorrow is going to be the ‚Äúmusical episode‚Äù I’ll let you ‚Äúsuffer‚Äù through that one.

The Dharma Wheel

Since the past week or so has been all about the “Rules” of Buddhism, I think we’ll finish out this week with some fun stuff. Today, let’s look at the closest thing Buddhism has to a “logo,” the dharma wheel.

Dharma?

Since I have promised repeated not to introduce too many new words, I guess I should explain what dharma is. Dharma is simply the word for “teachings.” The Buddha taught his dharma, and I am passing that dharma on to you. Any Buddhist lesson or text or conversation is dharma. If you learn from it, it’s probably dharma.

As you can see from the image below, the dharma wheel resembles a wagon wheel with eight “spokes.” Each of the eight spokes represents one step on the eightfold path. The circle itself represents the totality or completeness of the dharma (teachings). And just a quick refresher: the Eightfold path consists of right faith, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right endeavor, right mindfulness, and right meditation.

Buddhists borrowed this image from a Hindu symbol that represented “samsara” (the cycle of rebirth/reincarnation), but have re-interpreted the symbol as a wheel the overcomes all obstacles.

For our email subscribers and podcast listeners, you can view this image at http://www.dailybuddhism.com/Images/Dharma_wheel.png

A brief note: I have received more than one comment about the sound quality of the most recent podcast. I am aware that the noise levels are pretty awful on episode 7. I have a new high-end microphone on order that I’ll be using on the next podcast, and I will probably go back and re-record some of the older ones. Please be patient, stay tuned, and keep your comments coming, I find them very helpful. The Three Poisons There are ‚ÄúThree Poisons‚Äù that the Buddhist must deal with on a daily basis; Desire, Hatred and Ignorance. If you’ll remember back to last week, the five precepts told us about the various things not to DO. The five precepts had to do with actions in the real world. The three poisons are a lot more subtle; they affect your mind. Desire, Hatred, and Ignorance damage your karma in ways that physical actions could never match. A burning hatred or grudge is as bad as killing someone in the effect it will have on your karma. Desire, as we have seen in the past, leads to all suffering. Ignorance is hard to beat. The goal of becoming ‚ÄúEnlightened‚Äù or reaching Nirvana is the total defeat of ignorance. Keeping an open mind and trying to understand all sides of an issue while showing compassion are the first steps in defeating ignorance. Watch out for the three poisons. They are well-named, as they can do as much damage as any real poison.

And today, we can read from one of the ancient Buddhist writings that will recap the five precepts.

Five faultless gifts

“There are these five gifts, five great gifts ‚Äî original, long-standing, traditional, ancient, unadulterated, unadulterated from the beginning ‚Äî that are not open to suspicion, will never be open to suspicion, and are unfaulted by knowledgeable contemplatives & priests. Which five?

“There is the case where a disciple of the noble ones, abandoning the taking of life, abstains from taking life. In doing so, he gives freedom from danger, freedom from animosity, freedom from oppression to limitless numbers of beings. In giving freedom from danger, freedom from animosity, freedom from oppression to limitless numbers of beings, he gains a share in limitless freedom from danger, freedom from animosity, and freedom from oppression. This is the first gift, the first great gift ‚Äî original, long-standing, traditional, ancient, unadulterated, unadulterated from the beginning ‚Äî that is not open to suspicion, will never be open to suspicion, and is unfaulted by knowledgeable contemplatives & priests.

“Furthermore, abandoning taking what is not given (stealing), the disciple of the noble ones abstains from taking what is not given. In doing so, he gives freedom from danger, freedom from animosity, freedom from oppression to limitless numbers of beings. In giving freedom from danger, freedom from animosity, freedom from oppression to limitless numbers of beings, he gains a share in limitless freedom from danger, freedom from animosity, and freedom from oppression. This is the second gift.

“Furthermore, abandoning illicit sex, the disciple of the noble ones abstains from illicit sex. In doing so, he gives freedom from danger, freedom from animosity, freedom from oppression to limitless numbers of beings. In giving freedom from danger, freedom from animosity, freedom from oppression to limitless numbers of beings, he gains a share in limitless freedom from danger, freedom from animosity, and freedom from oppression. This is the third gift.

“Furthermore, abandoning lying, the disciple of the noble ones abstains from lying. In doing so, he gives freedom from danger, freedom from animosity, freedom from oppression to limitless numbers of beings. In giving freedom from danger, freedom from animosity, freedom from oppression to limitless numbers of beings, he gains a share in limitless freedom from danger, freedom from animosity, and freedom from oppression. This is the fourth gift.

“Furthermore, abandoning the use of intoxicants, the disciple of the noble ones abstains from taking intoxicants. In doing so, he gives freedom from danger, freedom from animosity, freedom from oppression to limitless numbers of beings. In giving freedom from danger, freedom from animosity, freedom from oppression to limitless numbers of beings, he gains a share in limitless freedom from danger, freedom from animosity, and freedom from oppression. This is the fifth gift, the fifth great gift ‚Äî original, long-standing, traditional, ancient, unadulterated, unadulterated from the beginning ‚Äî that is not open to suspicion, will never be open to suspicion, and is unfaulted by knowledgeable contemplatives & priests. And this is the eighth reward of merit, reward of skillfulness, nourishment of happiness, celestial, resulting in happiness, leading to heaven, leading to what is desirable, pleasurable, & appealing; to welfare & to happiness.”

And so there you have it, the five precepts, the five commandments of Buddhism. I’m sure you have questions.

The last rule is to avoid intoxicants.

Why? The first-glance answer is that drunks cause all kinds of suffering. Drug addicts harm everyone near them over and over again. This is bad behavior, and we all know it. Yet, most of us are not alcoholics or drug addicts, but that doesn’t let us off the hook. Mind-altering actions of all kinds, including smoking, coffee, caffeine, and other stimulants are also prohibited. Why? They affect your state of mind, and Buddhism is all about the mind. Your world is created by your own perceptions and mindfulness. If you change the way your mind works by the use of stimulants or mind-altering drugs, you are harming your own chances for enlightenment. These chemicals are also often bad for your own physical health as well, and causing physical harm and suffering is bad, even if you are doing it to yourself.

Thich Nhat Hanh has a field day with this one:

Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful consumption, I vow to cultivate good health, both physical and mental, for myself, my family, and my society by practicing mindful eating, drinking and consuming. I vow to ingest only items that preserve peace, well-being and joy in my body, in my consciousness, and in the collective body and consciousness of my family and society. I am determined not to use alcohol or any other intoxicant or to ingest foods or other items that contain toxins, such as certain TV programs, magazines, books, films and conversations. I am aware that to damage my body or my consciousness with these poisons is to betray my ancestors, my parents, my society and future generations. I will work to transform violence, fear, anger and confusion in myself and in society by practicing a diet for myself and for society. I understand that a proper diet is crucial for self-transformation and for the transformation of society.

Yes, he tells us that TV shows, conversations, and magazines can be toxic as well. He also suggests that a proper diet can be good for all of society.

So there you have it, the five precepts of Buddhism. Get started on those right away, or at least start thinking about following them.

Rule number four is to refrain from incorrect speech. Right Speech, if you remember was a step on the eightfold path all by itself. Not only is right speech promoted and valued with Buddhists, but here ‚ÄúWrong Speech‚Äù is singled out for special negative treatment. We all know how damaging our words can be. Buddhism is all about seeking Truth, whatever that may be, and falsehoods work against that goal, often causing suffering in the process. Our words are powerful, and that’s really all that needs to be said. Even Thih Nhat Hanh had little to really add to this precept. In his words:

“Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I vow to cultivate loving speech and deep listening in order to bring joy and happiness to others and relieve others of their suffering. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I vow to learn to speak truthfully, with words that inspire self-confidence, joy and hope. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain and not to criticize or condemn things of which I am not sure. I will refrain from uttering words that can cause division or discord, or that can cause the family or community to break. I will make all efforts to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small.”

There’s not much I can add to that. Lying is bad.

Rule number three is no sexual misconduct. How do you define misconduct? That depends on where you live. The social rules are different from country to country and region to region, and what’s considered misconduct in America might be completely appropriate elsewhere in the world. That doesn’t matter; the real problem here is suffering. If something is inappropriate to the society you are in, then it needs to be avoided.

Self-restraint is crucial to a Buddhist. Remember the eightfold path again; right effort, right action and right mindfulness all deal with self-control and restraint.

What does our new friend Thich Nhat Hanh have to say?

Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct, I vow to cultivate responsibility and learn ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families and society. I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without love and a long-term commitment. To preserve the happiness of myself and others, I am determined to respect my commitments and the commitments of others. I will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse and to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct.

He seems to enhance the importance of responsibility and commitment beyond simple sexual misdeeds. There is definitely an emphasis on commitment; monogamous relationships and marriage are strongly advocated.

The Second of the Buddhist precepts is no to take that which is not given. Nope, stealing is a bad thing, but living in a modern civilized society, we already knew that. But just as with the first precept, there’s more to it than it appears at first glance. Remember that one of the steps on the Eightfold Path was Right Livelihood. That means not making a living taking or exploiting what is not yours. There’s no cheating or stealing allowed either. Being lazy at work is even a form of stealing; you are taking time away from your job that you are being paid for.

This also means that Buddhists encourage charitable giving. Give to the poor, the needy, and the sick. Give your money, give your time, and give as much as you can. You don’t have to give everything you own, but selfishness and greed are really bad. We’ll talk about selfishness and greed more next week, but remember that giving is good.

Yesterday, I introduced Thich Nhat Hanh. What does he have to say in his updated version of the precepts?

Aware of the suffering caused by exploitation, social injustice, stealing and oppression, I vow to cultivate loving kindness and learn ways to work for the well being of people, animals, plants and minerals. I vow to practice generosity by sharing my time, energy and material resources with those who are in real need. I am determined not to steal and not to possess anything that should belong to others. I will respect the property of others, but I will prevent others from profiting from human suffering or the suffering of other species on Earth.

As you can see there’s a lot more to this than just not stealing.