Category Archives: Daily Buddhism

Daily Buddhism

Judgmental Family and Hypocrisy

1 Comment

A reader writes:

I am from Kentucky and was raised in a very strong Christian home. Within the past couple of years I have rejected Christianity and my parents and family are none too happy to say the least. I am the black sheep. Not only am I gay but an atheist who has been looking to Buddhism as a way to deal with the stress of my family. So my question is this. I have a cousin who is very judgmental of everyone. She is one of those Christians who knows she is always right and it’s her duty to tell the rest of the world how wrong we all are. She preaches harshly towards me about going to Hell and how wrong I am for being gay. Funny thing is, she has many skeletons in her own closet she wouldn’t want anyone to know about. I can honestly say, I don’t like her.

How do I deal with these feelings? I know we will see each other many times at family functions but, I want to be able to talk to her with out my very strong negative feelings for her getting in the way. Any insight would be helpful. And please keep in mind, I really don’t like her. 🙂 also, when are you going to start more podcasts? I have not heard all of them yet so you may have answered this and I just not gotten there yet.

Thanks again! Your show has been the best help for me in searching and learning the Buddhist way so far. I have much respect for you!

My Response:

First of all, accept that you can’t change her. I know how it is when you want to prove someone else’s beliefs are wrong. You use logic and common sense, and facts and science; the other person may defend their beliefs for a little while, but eventually just reverts to “Well, that’s what I believe anyway, it’s all just faith.” You cannot win this argument at a family gathering. It just isn’t going to happen, especially in a discussion with a woman who has zero respect for your thoughts, wishes, and choices. You are wrong in her eyes, and nothing short of time and exposure to you can change that.

As far as her being a hypocrite with her own skeletons, I assume you aren’t the only one in the family who realizes this. It’s been said that you can pick your friends, but you can’t pick your family. Sometimes we get stuck with someone we’d rather not have to deal with; you don’t get that choice either. One of your big consolations is knowing that everyone else knows she’s a hypocrite, even if they aren’t her target or victim.

None of the above is especially Buddhist, and I’m sure anyone could have told you that. If you don’t like her as much as you say, it would probably just be to everyone’s benefit to avoid her, but that’s not always going to be possible with family gatherings and the like.

Probably the worst problem I see here is that you are holding onto this anger and hate. That’s not good. Rather than dwell on this hateful woman’s words and attacks, just drop it. Give it no more thought than last Tuesday’s weather. A Buddhist wouldn’t attach any importance to her words. You realize her words are only words, and they are impermanent. Let them go right through you or make them slide off. Is she going to change anyone’s mind with her ranting, either yours or someone in your family? Probably not. Most of all, don’t extend the argument or fight back.

She is as impermanent as you are; don’t dwell on the argument; there are some things you cannot change.

At least that’s my opinion. Others, feel free to chime in on this in the comment section below.

Daily Buddhism

12 Steps, Higher Powers, and Buddhism

26 Comments

Question:

I appreciate all the hard work that you spend in spiritually enriching the lives of myself and, I’m sure, countless others. It is a matter of life and death for me, as I am on a path of recovery from addiction. I am unable to embrace a “higher power” via the christian concept because of issues in the past, having felt that god was not there for me during a most dire time of need; so an alternative is a serious need for me..

This is turning into a different communication than I had intended, but regarding recovery in the 12 steps, where your “higher power” takes an active role in your life, for example:

  • “restoring us to sanity”
  • “turning or will and lives over to the care of god as we understand him.”
  • “admitting our character defects to him and asking him to remove them”
  • (we)Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Does Buddhism have the notion of a higher power that personally intervenes in ones life, or lend guidance on a personal level, one that will actively be on the receiving end of “turning your will and lives over and guide us? Is there a god one can achieve “conscious contact” with or indeed even has a “will” for our lives and can bestow “power to carry it out”? If these concepts do not apply, What might be a counterpart in Buddhism. How might one apply such concepts within the framework of Buddhism?

Or, more broadly how may Buddhism assist one in achieving the same goals, and aid in recovery within or even totally removed from the 12-step concept?

Answer:

We covered this topic once before in a guest post, which I will link to here: “Buddhism and the 12-Step Process” I would definitely suggest reading that before continuing.

Although there are groups of Buddhists who have something that could be called a “higher power,” most do not. Buddhism, more than any other “religion” emphasizes personal responsibility. You got yourself into this trouble, and you are the only one that can get you out. Regarding the quotes in your question, I’d say there is nothing there that couldn’t be dealt with in Buddhism.

“Restoring us to sanity” That’s pretty much why we’re all Buddhists in the first place, isn’t it?

“Admitting our character defects and asking him to remove them” Meditation and reflection is all about learning about ourselves and seeking to change things that need changing. The only difference is that you must take on the responsibility of change yourself, which if you are coming from the “there is no higher power” point of view, you realize already.

“Praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out” Again, this is meditation and reflection upon our own Enlightenment.

“turning or will and lives over to the care of god as we understand him.” This is the big one. If you want to follow the steps perfectly, then you need to substitute something for God. For Buddhists, this could be your own inner self, the universe as a whole, nothingness, or even the concept of Buddha himself as a wise teacher. And yet the wording of that line is problematic: the whole point of Buddhism is to gain control over your will and life, not to give it to some abstraction. You need to work this one out for yourself.

I read many other social media sites, including Digg and Reddit, both of which have a very vocal group of Atheists. Every time the topic of Alcoholics Anonymous or another group that uses the 12-step program comes up, they are attacked for being “religious indoctrination centers” or something equally hostile. It’s not just the Buddhists who have trouble with the whole idea of higher powers. More and more, people are scrutinizing the 12-step approach and picking it apart. Yet for millions of people it has worked. It’s just a matter of adapting yourself and adapting the program to fit YOUR needs.

Previous article http://www.dailybuddhism.com/archives/890

Daily Buddhism, Koans

Koan: The Stingy Artist

12 Comments

Koan: The Stingy Artist

Gessen was an artist monk. Before he would start a drawing or painting he always insisted upon being paid in advance, and his fees were high. He was known as the “Stingy Artist.”

A geisha once gave him a commission for a painting. “How much can you pay?” inquired Gessen.

“Whatever you charge,” replied the girl, “but I want you to do the work in front of me.”

So on a certain day Gessen was called by the geisha. She was holding a feast for her patron.

Gessen with fine brush work did the painting. When it was completed he asked the highest sum of his time.

He received his pay. Then the geisha turned to her patron, saying: “All this artist wants is money. His paintings are fine but his mind is dirty; money has caused it to become muddy. Drawn by such a filthy mind, his work is not fit to exhibit. It is just about good enough for one of my petticoats.”

Removing her skirt, she then asked Gessen to do another picture on the back of her petticoat.

“How much will you pay?” asked Gessen.

“Oh, any amount,” answered the girl.

Gessen named a fancy price, painted the picture in the manner requested, and went away.

It was learned later that Gessen had these reasons for desiring money:

A ravaging famine often visited his province. The rich would not help the poor, so Gessen had a secret warehouse, unknown to anyone, which he kept filled with grain, prepared for those emergencies.

From his village to the National Shrine the road was in very poor condition and many travellers suffered while traversing it. He desired to build a better road.

His teacher had passed away without realizing his wish to build a temple, and Gessen wished to complete this temple for him.

After Gessen had accomplished his three wishes he threw away his brushes and artist’s materials and, retiring to the mountains, never painted again.

Daily Buddhism

Poetic Impermanence

9 Comments

Just a short post for today, but just a few words can hold a deep meaning. This is a short poem attributed to Li Bai, an 8th century Chinese poet, and expresses the Buddhist idea of impermanence perfectly. Just a reminder, zazen is a form of meditation where one just sits silently.

“Zazen on Ching-t’ing Mountain”:

The birds have vanished down the sky.
Now the last cloud drains away.
We sit together, the mountain and me,
until only the mountain remains.

Daily Buddhism, Meditation

Help With Mindfulness and Meditation

13 Comments

Question:

Can you share some tips for being mindful for new practitioners? Also, do you have any tips for being motivated to meditate for new practitioners? I read the post about being mindful at work the other day and this is something I would LIKE to do but it is a daunting task because my job involves being responsible for up to 160 rowdy teenagers. I also wear a lot of hats at my job so my mind is always bouncing around and it is hard to meditate, I don’t think I have yet managed to do it. I was thinking some sort of item, or items, around the house or on my person might serve as reminders to do both of these things. I saw a Buddha candle holder the other day that made me think of this and I was also considering a small pendant or bracelet. However, I tend to side with you on the issue of idolatry and shrines, etc. Your perspectives on these issues are most appreciated.

Answer:

As you mentioned, we have discussed idols and shrines in the past. I believe that they aren’t necessary and tend to cause unnecessary attachment. That being said, the main point of having a statue or shrine is that they DO help with mindfulness. If you have a Buddha statue where you see him often, that will help with mindfulness, at least in theory; you can probably learn to tune him out if you ignore him too much. Other forms of Buddhist artwork and objects will have a similar benefit. You don’t need these objects for religious reasons, but they certainly won’t hurt in building your mindfulness. “Out of sight, out of mind” works in the opposite direction too.

I have only one tip to help new practitioners to meditate more often, and it’s a bit obvious. Set a specific time and do it every day. Force yourself to do it if you have to, but get in the habit of doing it regularly, just like any other physical exercise. Once it becomes a regular habit, you can start getting flexible with your timing, but you have to get to the place where you want to do it and look forward to it. It’s not meant to be unpleasant or something you put off or with which you procrastinate.

Everyone has their own ideas about what is or isn’t a good tip for mindfulness. I turned the question loose on Twitter and got the following responses:

@sacredmusick Take one minute every hour to sit and breathe. It will have amazing effects on overall focus and mindfulness.

@izablessing Hi Brian, I actually did a workshop with the Healing From the Core foundation. It was entitled Developing Therapeutic Presence! Excellent!

@cacwgirl Listen to the office staff!

@pamdodd Work tip: If busy, tell interrupters you’ll get back to them and set a time.

@Annie_Fox To be more mindful at work (or anywhere) begin 2 notice when UR annoyance levels kick in, then… http://bit.ly/gvkXi

@BruceDinwiddie Tips for mindfulness at work? Give up multi-tasking and focus on single tasks intently.


Daily Buddhism

Aging and Suffering

9 Comments

Question:

Brian, I was asked to join Facebook by a friend. I really did not want to do it but I did. I now wish I never had. I have found lost friends but at a huge price. The first was a big strapping Marine who was one of the first kick boxers in the USA. He is now relegated to a wheel chair with Parkinson disease. The second was my sparring partner. He now has Lou Gehrig’s disease. The third was one of my martial arts instructors who now has cancer. The fourth is our main instructor who has grown old and feeble.

I understand impermanence and I understand attachment. But this just plain scares the hell out of me. As a Buddhist I know what I am supposed to think, but in reality it is not working.

Answer:

We all age and we all die, and most importantly, we all know it’s coming. But when we are confronted with too much of it all at once, as you were, it really leaves an impact.

Everything in life changes. Everything. The bit of poetry last week by Li Bai exemplified the concept. In the comment section below that post, a reader mentioned that given enough time, even the mountain itself would be gone, and that’s an excellent point. If even the mountains wear down and “die” (ask any geologist, they really do), then why should even the strongest of humanity, such as your kick-boxer friend, be any different?

Buddha himself said that change leads to suffering, and in the case of your friends, that’s clearly true. Of course, as you say, you already know all of this. It’s applying these ideas to your life that is the hard part.

The only words of advice that I have that might help is to repeat again that all things do change; the same thing that terrifies you and causes your suffering right now can also be the solution to the problem. Your friends’ suffering is temporary as well. Yes, I mean death. In your case, your friends aren’t suddenly dying, they are suffering lingering, debilitating diseases; the worst of the worst. Most people don’t really fear death itself, but I think most of us fear a long, drawn-out process of dying. Even giving up your own attachments would not mean giving up compassion for those suffering.

None of us, not even Buddha himself, really knows what comes after death. Yet if you think about it, one thing we do know is that the suffering resulting from aging will stop. The survivors, such as yourself, will move on and continue with life for as long as it lasts, while your friends will move on to whatever comes after, if anything. Does this solve your problem? No, of course not. There is no solution. But keeping all this in mind may help a bit, and that’s all we can do.

Daily Buddhism

Ambition

11 Comments

Question:

How do I let go of the constant striving for a higher paying job with more power and a title? The whole idea of making more money in order to buy more things is a way of thinking that is hard to break free from. I am a fifth grade teacher and I love teaching. I am happiest when I am in the classroom. I recently finished a degree in leadership that would make me qualified to become a principal. I did not do this out of desire for the job but rather as a way to compete with other teachers that talked about wanting to be a principal. It was also a convenient way to attract attention to myself. I did not enjoy one moment of the degree or the internship hours. Yet even though I am aware of all of this I feel a sense of duty to continue to seek that powerful, higher paying job. This whole situation is causing a great deal of stress that I cannot seem to meditate myself out of.

Answer:

I can relate. I’ll probably run into the same thing myself within a few years, maybe sooner. I’ve always been far too competitive.

You state several things that might be the cause of this, but I think you should be able to narrow it down to just one. It’s important to think on this and see if you can narrow down your reasons for this behavior. Are you simply competitive? Are you greedy, wanting more and more money (teaching probably isn’t the best career for you if that’s the case)? Or are you doing this out of a need for self-promotion, attracting attention to yourself?

None of these ideas make you either unique or a bad person; we’re all raised with the idea of becoming a wealthy, successful person in a position of power. It’s not that hard to do it if you apply yourself and work hard. The problem comes when you get to that place by doing something you don’t enjoy doing, or cause yourself suffering by grasping too hard for more and more.

Buddhists can have ambitions. Buddhists need money too. Buddhists like recognition as much as the next guy. The problem arises when these things become goals, not tools.

You need to think/meditate on this and figure out why you are doing it. If you love the classroom, you’ll probably be miserable in an administrative position. It’s a whole different world. If you can find a good reason to become a Principal, then go for it. If you simply do it because of ambition, greed, or a need for attention, you are going to resent giving up the job you love.

Your instincts already tell you that there’s something wrong with your desire for this promotion. You already know that it’s not going to be what you want. You just need to figure out what the root cause is and work on that problem before your ambition or greed drives you to something you don’t like.

Daily Buddhism

Playing Mix & Match with Religion

7 Comments

Question:

Hello, I love the podcast and hope more come out soon. Any way I have a question. Is it legitimate to follow another religion and use buddhism as a philosophy? Thank You and All Blessings Be.

Answer:

Absolutely– People do it all the time. People follow Christianity or Judaism, for example, and still practice all the non-religious aspects of Buddhism as well. Since Buddhism doesn’t generally involve God or prayers, there’s no reason at all that one cannot simply add Buddhism as another “layer” to one’s own foundational belief system.

Many Christians practice Buddhism on the side, and so many Jews do it that they actually came up with a term for it, Ju-Bu (Jewish Buddhist Wikipedia Link). Depending on your specific local church, and how well they understand what Buddhism is really all about, your specific church may or may not support this.

From the wording in your question, however, I suspect you are not coming from a Judeo-Christian background. I suspect it may be even easier to fit Buddhism into one of the less dogmatic religions such as Wicca. If anyone would like to share their personal story on making Buddhism mesh with their pre-existing belief system, I’d love to hear it.

Daily Buddhism

Trouble In Texas

17 Comments

Questions:

Hello, I am pretty new to Buddhism, I have been Zen buddhist for a year, before that, I was a Christian, I left due to the people who are conservatives, and I disagreed with it. I was born in California, now in Texas, so as you guess, I get no gain here in Texas.

Besides that, My questions are that, I’m a proud supporter of Gay marriage and I support Stem Cell Research, and I’m pro choice, do my beliefs check out with Zen Buddhism, or is what I believe sinful?

I also am studding Che Guevara, he turens out to have been a great guy, studing the Buddha and Marx, is it wrong to agree with Che or is it okay?

Also I read a great book recently titled, Siddhartha. It was about his life, in the book he states that there is another buddha, Gotma, is that true? Is Siddhartha a true book based on the real life of the buddha?

Last but not least, due to the ignorance of others here in Texas, I get no leverage and I try to remain peacefull, but its very hard, I get frustrated. What should I do to ignore these conservatives and reach enlightment?

Answers:

Wow- There’s lots to work with here. I’ll warn everyone ahead of time that everything that follows is MY opinion. Feel free to add yours in the comment section, especially if you disagree!

1) Let’s start with the easy part. The book Siddhartha, by Herman Hesse, isn’t really about the Buddha. It’s about a regular man named Siddhartha who lived in the same region at the same time as “The” Buddha. The “Gotama” character in the book is the person we call Buddha, Siddhartha is just a character in this book of historical fiction. It’s a great book, but none of it is considered to be true.

Amazon Link: http://www.amazon.com/dp/1934648035/?tag=askdrarca-20

2) I see nothing wrong with studying Marx; he IS one of the world’s major philosophers after all. You’d be cheating yourself to not understand what it was he was saying.

I’m not here to promote my own political beliefs, but Che Guevara is NOT on my list of admirable people– quite the opposite in fact. You won’t be finding one of those T-Shirts in my closet. Rather than turn this post into a rant, I’ll stop there.

3. As far as the acceptability of gay marriage, stem cell research, and pro choice, that varies from Buddhist to Buddhist just as it does with any other group. For the most part, I think the majority of Buddhists are probably OK with gay marriage but against abortion. I don’t really understand the stem cell argument well enough to comment on that. Every individual has their own opinion on these topics.

4. I have addressed the topic of “Dealing with Hatred” in the past. Check out http://www.dailybuddhism.com/archives/1343 for the whole story (and especially the comments) on that post.

Daily Buddhism

Ignorance and Arguments

6 Comments

This was a comment left on the blog in response to my post yesterday, titled “Trouble in Texas.” The original question that I responded to yesterday was, “Due to the ignorance of others here in Texas, I get no leverage and I try to remain peaceful, but its very hard, I get frustrated. What should I do to ignore these conservatives and reach Enlightenment?”

And as my response, I pointed to a previous article about Dealing with Hatred.

Comment:

I am a little disappointed in your answer for two reasons; 1: the author did not ask about how to deal with hatred, he asked how to deal with the ignorance of others. 2; I really wanted your opinion on the subject because I have wanted to ask the very same question MANY times as I have struggled with the same subject many times.

Other than that keep up the good work, I find that your writing stimulates the thoughts of others, and that cannot be a bad thing.

Response:

First, let me point out that if you wanted to ask the question many times, then you should have asked sooner! I love to answer questions, they give me something to write about. So by asking questions, you’re doing me a favor as much as you are helping yourself by asking. Don’t hesitate or fear to email me! I’m always eager to tackle any topic.

Now, on to your real comment. I feel that ignorance and hatred are heavily intertwined. Generally, we fear or hate things we don’t fully understand, and we don’t try to understand things that we instinctively hate. It’s a major catch-22, and we have to try to handle those subjects carefully.

In theory, if you are simply running into plain ignorance, then all you have to do is explain yourself to the person in question and they won’t be ignorant any more. It’s rarely that simple, since there is either fear or hate involved. Fear and hate are powerful barriers to an open mind. Still, simple explanations are probably the best place to get started if you really want to beat ignorance and teach others.

One way to co-exist with those who are judgmental is to simply not give them anything to judge you with; become a model of good Buddhist behavior, live the life and be a real role-model. Personally, I don’t walk around town advertising the fact that I’m a Buddhist; there are only a handful of non-Internet friends and family that even know I am one. I see no need to tell everyone what I believe, as there are always some people who are going to judge me in a negative way. Yes, that’s due to ignorance on their part, but I know that I cannot educate everyone, especially those who have already made up their minds. I’m perfectly happy being the best Buddhist I can be in my actions and words, and every once in a while when the topic comes up with a friend or colleague, it’s the perfect opportunity to explain things to them. By demonstrating in my day-to-day actions that Buddhists aren’t “Heathen Idolators” (or whatever some people want to call us out of ignorance) people are much more open to my opinions when it does eventually come up.

I’m talking about Buddhism, but the same goes for the original questioner’s opinions on gay marriage, abortions, philosophy, and Communism. Both sides of each of the topics he mentions have strong arguments that make perfect sense to the people who advocate them; neither side is clearly wrong or blatantly stupid, although at times the opposition probably feels otherwise.

People in California are generally speaking more liberal-minded than those in Texas; that doesn’t make either group right or wrong. Still, if the writer is walking around Texas in a Che Guevera t-shirt carrying his Marx book and holding his boyfriend’s hand at the Pro-Choice rally, he’s going to find a lot of people unwilling to accept, or even listen to, his ideas. The writer didn’t say he was doing those things, but he definitely seems to have an issue with Conservatives, so I get the impression that the hostility may be mutual. I don’t intend to attack anyone, but sometimes the people who yell the loudest about others ignorance are the ones trying hardest to shove their own ideas down someone else’s throat. If this is the case, then he needs to examine why it is so important to him to change the minds of others and let that go.

I’ve always found that a little diplomacy goes a long way, and simply keeping my mouth shut in some situations goes even farther. If you go out looking for a fight, it’s usually pretty easy to find one.