Tag Archives: fear

Daily Buddhism, Meditation

Buddhism and University

A reader writes:

I have just recently started listening to your podcasts and I am hooked. I was first introduced to Buddhism in a religious studies course and was immediately intrigued. I’ve always wanted to learn more and try to put it into practice, but I didn’t know where to begin and most books and lectures I have on the subject seem confusing and complex. Your podcast is exactly what I’ve been looking for. I can follow it, it’s simple, and I can get a clear understanding of what Buddhism is all about.

I am a 23 year-old university student trying to finish my undergrad. It has been really tough because I also suffer from anxiety disorders and depression. I had fairly severe concussion in my second year of school which exacerbated my preexisting poor mental health. I should have quit school then. I always knew it wasn’t for me and I felt like I didn’t belong there, but I stayed in denial thinking that it will get better and I’ll make it work. This never happened, but I tried again this year to get closer to graduation and now I am almost done the school year but I’m failing my courses and am too far to recover. In my mind, I don’t believe I can graduate and even if I get second chances to finish papers I know I will squander them. The anxiety and depression have negativity taking over my entire being, it is hard to get out of once you are sucked into it. When I don’t have to think about school, or do school work, or even just attend classes, I feel so incredibly relieved.

The problem is that so much time and money have been spent, all for me to just drop out and not graduate. It is hard to stay in a positive state of mind about it. I feel guilt, anger, frustration, self loathing… all of these negative things. There is a push from my family to find other options, a different program, a transfer to college, anything to take advantage of the credits I already have. I don’t want to do this, I just want to put this in the past and move forward. But how can I quit knowing how much I have wasted? This is where depression and anxiety really kick in and become debilitating.

University

I guess basically my main dilemma at the moment is: should I find a way to make school work, whether changing my program, transferring credits to another school or whatever… or do I just leave school and move on, do some research and find something I’m interested in (also another reason I feel so trapped, I don’t know what to do if I’m not at university).
From just the few podcasts I’ve listened to I see so much potential for Buddhism to help me; with my anxiety, depression, self confidence, self hatred… and how to deal with school.

This was more of a novel than I intended to write, but I just had to get all of that out. I’m really looking forward to hearing the rest of the podcasts, thank you for doing them!

And my response:

There’s a lot of information that you aren’t telling me, such as how long you’ve got left, what country you live in, and what your major is. You don’t say it explicitly, but I’m assuming you are about to finish your third year of a four year program.

I teach college, and sooner or later, every student feels like quitting. I thought about it myself “back in the day.” Self-doubt and hard times are normal for a student, and my advice is always to stick it out if you possibly can. Those student loans aren’t going away (assuming you’re an American, other countries might be more forgiving).

You say you feel trapped when not at University, so I assume you don’t want to quit because you’ve better things to do. I’ve covered Depression and Dealing With Hatred (not specifically self-hatred, but much of that applies) before, so check out those older posts.

You’re failing your classes, so you’ve made some mistakes and possibly bad choices,that much is clear. Now, the question is, do you want to dwell on the past (grasping), or move on to the future? You’re beating yourself up over whatever mistakes you’ve made, and that’s poisoning your whole experience at school. Without knowing your major, I can’t comment on your career outlook, but most of the time, a degree is very important. Why would you want to sacrifice your future for a mistake you made in the past?

My Buddhist advice is to let the past go. Trying to change yesterday is only going to hurt your future prospects. Go ahead and accept the F’s and do better next term.

Another point is that you mention a concussion and mental issues. Are you taking medication? I am not a doctor, but that seems like an avenue you may want to investigate.

I don’t know the specifics, and it’s hard to give real advice, so I’m going out on a limb with all that. From my non-Buddhist experience, students that quit generally do regret it forever. If you’re going to be saddled with the debt, you may as well get the degree.

Good luck, and don’t give up!

 

 

Daily Buddhism

Don’t Fear the Karma

3 Comments

FearImageQuestion:

I have only recently started listening to your podcast. Listening to it has been part of my seeking of a belief system. I have found it extra-ordinarily difficult to find something to believe in be it spirituality, ideas, people and even myself. Though I know this issue has to do more with my own psychology then a faith structure, I have found the notion of Buddhism to be most in line to what I think is true of my reality.

My question has to do with the concept of karma. I understand that it is a central part of Buddhism, but I find that I fear it the most. I know it is perhaps an irrational fear, but could you explain to me the causal affects of karma? There have been things which I have done in my life that I am not particularly proud of, and I have done my best to make amends to those that I have hurt (emotionally). But, I do not believe that I have ever been forgiven, I don’t know what this means for me in terms of karma. If I am destined to this feeling of sadness or not being able to understand that was my past and now I live in my present.

Answer:

There are a few things to consider with karma. First, karma is simply the way the universe works, it’s like gravity. There’s no “mind” controlling it, nor does it seek “revenge” on people.

You say you have done bad things, and since I don’t know you, I won’t argue that point. On the other hand, you say you have made amends to those you have hurt. If you have truly made amends, then it seems likely that karma will balance out. You say that you have not been forgiven… by whom? The person you wronged or by some idea of “God?” If the person forgave you, then that’s all that matters. If you have truly atoned for whatever it is that you did, then karma will take care of itself.

There are some things that you might not be able to truly atone for having done. Some things, you cannot simply just “undo.” So, yes, your actions do have consequences in the next life (lives). You cannot know the ultimate effect on your karma or what your next life will be, so there is no point in getting “attached” to the outcome. If you want to influence your future life, then work hard to live a good life NOW. Maybe you’ve messed up in the past, but you still have a future to make up for it.

The important thing is not to suffer needlessly over the worry. Whatever happens will happen whether you fear it or not. Learn to act in a “good” way simply because that is the best way to act, not because you want some future reward.

Good luck!

Daily Buddhism

Dealing With Hatred

13 Comments

Question:

Hi Brian, I’ve been tumbling this in my head. One of the strongest tenents in Buddhism I agree with is ending suffering, both for the self and others. It’s been a core part of my spiritual path as I’ve started transitioning from female-to-male. I’ve been lucky that many are supportive, even if they do not understand or necessarily agree with my decision. They do realize that the person inside this shell is still the same person in the old shell and this is something that I felt I had to do (it took me a good 3 years of debating whether transitioning was my path or not). But I have started to face more and more discrimination and hate (a lot less than many transwomen face like Angie Zapata).

I totally respect those that feel this isn’t their path but often have a hard time coming to terms with the violence and hate that is thrown at myself and others who find this as their only salvation from suffering (certainly one could have a debate that the body is nothing more than property and an attachment but it does, IMO, go deeper than that).

I try to view in my head that perhaps some experience in their past has them being angry and hateful towards others they do not understand, respect or otherwise. But there are times when I cannot come to terms as to how much pain they emit. How does one come to terms with this and help the other person relieve their own suffering from hate and anger? I know I cannot force them to realize that this is a personal path that has no direct effect on their life but often their hate has a direct effect on mine. Some might say that not transitioning would stop their pain (this is not family, friends or colleagues but rather strangers and society at large) but that, in turn, creates more suffering for me. I’m at a loss and can only turn my cheek so many times before I give up. How can I deal with this in Buddhism?

Answer:

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” — The Buddha

This is one of those things that I just don’t understand. How someone else’s sexual orientation(not precisely the right term here) matters to anyone else is just beyond me. I can understand someone reacting with either acceptance or revulsion; either could be valid responses. But I don’t get anger and violence.

Almost every reference I could find about hate and violence for situations as you describe are concerned with the Buddhists’ own internal hatred and how to deal with it, not necessarily hatred by others. Here’s one story that does apply:

On one occasion, the Buddha was invited by the Brahmin Bharadvaja for alms to his house. As invited, the Buddha visited the house of the Brahmin. Instead of entertaining Him, the Brahmin poured forth a torrent of abuse with the filthiest of words. The Buddha politely inquired:

“Do visitors come to your house, good Brahmin?”
“Yes,” he replied.
“What do yu do when they come?”
“Oh, we prepare a sumptuous feast.”
“What do you if they refuse to receive the meal?”
“Why, we gladly partake of them ourselves.”
“Well, good Brahmin, you have invited me for alms and entertained me with abuse which I decline to accept. So now it belongs to you.”
From the Akkosa Sutta

The Buddha did not retaliate but politely gave back what the Brahmin had given Him. Retaliate not, the Buddha advised. “Hatred does not cease through hatred but through love alone they cease.”

Essentially, this is another way of saying “turn the other cheek.” I’m sure you already know that this is the best policy, but unfortunately, it doesn’t really help much when you are the target of hatred.

[note] I was going to end my answer with the above, but it bothered me all weekend as being woefully inadequate for the problem described. This person is hated for what she IS, not anything she’s done. I felt there had to be a better answer. Not able to think of any better advice on my own, I asked the following question on Twitter to see what came up:

“How do you deal with hatred directed at you from others when “turning the other cheek” seems inadequate?

And the following answers came in. Some may be of help, but I still don’t feel any of them are going to solve the problem.

@StFrancisPlace “Pray that your enemy may be the recipient of an Enlightenment.” From the teachings of Buddha and Jesus.

@AliceSikora Understand where the hate is coming from – usually from some issue in hater (hopefully). Forgive, maintaining a safe distance.

@pcundell You can’t change what others feel or think, & if you’ve done nothing wrong you can only try and understand their point of view.

@thubtenyeshe When my teachers tell me it’s a reflection of mind I am like ‘WHAT!’ so it’s a hard one. Breathe and walk away helps a lot!

@iurbia Turn the other cheek is Christian. No Self – what is hate? I don’t know buddy, look forward to your answer.

@justuhgrrl Usually I show them no fear or pain and move along. Take the high road, then you haven’t lost your dignity or their respect.

@dongilmore FYI, I thought about the phrase “turn the other cheek.” Do you agree it could seem arrogant, passive-aggressive and baiting?

@jesolomon When ill will is directed at you, remember that the cause generally lies with the hater not the recipient.

@JulieCovey People who hate are miserable. Love, forgive. & let go of what you cannot change. You can choose your response but not others actions.

@FreedomFreedom Be the person who “writes on water”. http://bit.ly/ihAew

@dongilmore Reflect back or let pass-thru; in either case, compassion for their ignorance, without arrogance, without turning other cheek

@FreedomFreedom “How do you deal with hatred directed at you from others?” Those are THEIR emotions. Reject the emotions with a warm ‚ÄúNo thanks.‚Äù

@Robyn_Artemis In turn you don’t tolerate hate and wouldn’t treat people as such. You don’t want to be treated that way either. Walk away.

@Robyn_Artemis Treat others the way you want to be treated. Respect the other person because you want to be treated in the same way.

@Carl For help with hatred directed towards you, look into Byron Katie’s http://www.thework.com

@andraew Try not to give them the satisfaction of biting on fighting bait. (Don’t participate or encourage hateful language/arguments)

@girlscientist Depends on if it’s personal and specific or just based on impersonal things. But always compassion is required.

@SightlineCoach Let go, move on, draw a shield around self… OR… use a judo move: sidestep and let weight of hatred pull the bearer away.

@omgal A quandary. The Dalai Lama addressed this last week in Boston. At times we must stand up to hatred so others don’t suffer too.

@pantherapardus What I think I _should_ do: examine my behavior and see if I contributed to the issue in any way; repair problem if possible.

@pantherapardus How _do_ I deal with it or how do I think I _should_ deal with it? What I do: get defensive and assume the problem is on them

@rjeskow Possible advice: Examine the feelings this brings up in you. Don’t try to change it yet. Just observe.

@cataractmoon The Dalai Lama speaks much about understanding the other person, so he takes a Rogerian argument

@barbchamberlain How about “Recognize their hate is about them, not about you”?

@Kymsart I find it difficult. And often don’t succeed, but try to remove myself, be kind and practice unconditional love. It is HARD

@Kymsart I’ve experienced this. I really try to practice being kind regardless. I know they have an unresolved issue.

And as always, feel free to add your advice and suggestions in the comment section below this article on the website.

If you want to learn more about dealing with your own internal anger, the Dalai Lama covered the topic pretty thoroughly in “Healing Anger: The Power of Patience from a Buddhist Perspective,” (Amazon Link: http://www.amazon.com/dp/1559390735/?tag=askdrarca-20)

Daily Buddhism

He Made Me So Angry That I…

12 Comments

angry_wet_catQuestion:

My question has to do with anger in the Buddhist practice. One of the main reasons why I turned to Buddhism is to get better control of myself. I have been genetically cursed with a hot temper. I have been attempting to learn to control it all my life and I thought perhaps Buddhism may help with this. I wondered if you could tell me about how anger fits into the Buddhist practice and perhaps point me in the direction of some practices or places of help to better control my anger. Thanks so much!

Answer:

Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering. — Jedi Master Yoda (All the great quotes can’t be by the Dalai Lama can they?)

Buddhism has something called the three poisons, Greed, Ignorance, and Anger. These poisons are the easiest way to never reach Enlightenment. They’ll mess you up worse than just about anything else on the Path. Greed is obviously bad, most of what is written is there to combat Ignorance, so let’s focus on anger today. Buddhists try to limit their anger. Note I said limit, not eliminate, as anger is a normal human emotion. We all get angry sometimes. The trick is not to get carried away with it and understand where it comes from.

One common phrase we have all heard is, “He made me so angry!” No, he didn’t make you angry, YOU made you angry. It is a choice, one that can be controlled and limited. The first thing you need to do the next time you get angry, preferably before you get angry, but if it’s too late, then immediately after you calm down, is to think on why you became angry.

angryWas there some kind of attack on your ego? Remember, Buddhists do not believe in a self, and therefore an ego is a very bad thing to feed. Was there, as Yoda suggests, some kind of fear involved? Nothing is permanent, things do change, fear of change is paralyzing, and getting angry when things do change is futile. Whatever the reason is for your anger, you need to think it through and recognize the root cause of the anger, and it’s not that other person; it never is.

Once you have figured out why you chose to become angry (notice how I worded that?) you’ll be able to calm down and deal with the cause of the anger. After you have done this a few times, you’ll amaze yourself with your new-found ability to spot anger coming on, analyze it, and defuse it before it gets the better of you. That sounds like a tall order, but it is actually possible, and many people do it everyday, not just the most enlightened folks.

Exploring the causes of your anger is simply a mental exercise you do when the situation arises. Doing some form of meditation and mindfulness training on a regular basis will also help with this. Nothing builds patience and calmness like lots and lots of meditation. With a clear, calm mind, you’ll have far better control of your emotions. I can say this all day and you may not believe me, but work at it and see whether or not I am right; it’s easy enough to prove.

There’s been plenty written on the topic of anger management and Buddhism. In fact, most of what I have heard about anger management courses seem to teach exactly what I have said above. Check out the book, Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames by Thich Nhat Hanh http://www.amazon.com/dp/1573229377/?tag=askdrarca-20

Oh all right, maybe the Yoda quote was a bit much. Here’s the Dalai Lama, who gets the final word this time:

When reason ends, then anger begins. Therefore, anger is a sign of weakness. — Dalai Lama

Daily Buddhism

Fear

1 Comment

A Reader recently wrote:

What is the buddhist way to overcome fear and anxiety in life? I understand it is by controlling the mind: but the question is what are some of the key techniques used to tame the mind in a more positive way?

My Response:

Meditation will generally lead to a calmer, more thoughtful approach to most things, and that would be my main recommendation; get started meditating and learn to control your anxieties.

Another thing to consider is that fear is generally a result of attachment. Buddhists consider attachment (“grasping”) a bad thing. Everything changes, and that’s something we have to learn and accept. That’s a whole lot easier to say than do, but that really is it in a nutshell. Think for a bit on what causes your fear. What are you afraid of losing? Is that something (or someone) that you are going to lose eventually anyway? Most things and people are going to be lost someday, no matter what we do; it is important to understand and accept that.

That sounds somewhat negative, but once those bonds of grasping can be broken, you will have real freedom, and the fearlessness that accompanies it.

Buy “No Death, No Fear” by Thich Nhat Hanh
http://www.amazon.com/dp/1573223336/?tag=askdrarca-20